I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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