explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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