I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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