She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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