It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize