I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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