You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
