If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
