I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
