I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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