He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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