Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
