It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
where are my eyebrows?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
