Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The adults are the big ones right?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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