I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
