please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize