I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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