thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
