clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize