Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
