i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
