Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
