somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
