how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
