I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
