so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
