Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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