On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
