I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
