come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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