ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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