I just made out with a guy for $7.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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