gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
