yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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