Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
