I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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