did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize