I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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