I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
