My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
