the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I said "one day" and that day is not today
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
