If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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