Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
