My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
