I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
