I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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