i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
