I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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