I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize