You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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