Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
