Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
