Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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