He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
