Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
