i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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