i'm signing you up for texting rehab
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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