The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dignity is for republicans.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
